Vermin, varmints and my neighbour who votes incorrectly
November 24, 2006
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Paros major morbidus, deader than a doornail.
For friends and fambly who received a frantic email, text or who coached me on the phone this morning, here’s an update:
- All dead and feathered animals have been removed from the premises.
- Chernobylicals have been applied to discourage future beasts from entertaining the notion of co-habitation.
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Bleach rohrshach, oddly looks like a bird.
- Barriers have been set up between the interior and exterior of the apartment.
- All utensils, tools and kitchen surfaces have been re-kashered/hallaled short of setting the place on fire.
And just for good measure I donated all of the forgotten pork products to the meat-eating neighbour downstairs who votes incorrectly. Ach, the bacon was way old, and I believe that’s more or less what Jesus would’ve done if he lived upstairs from a Christian ‘Democrat’.
Serves her right, FUQN RIGHT WING HO!
Bring on Pesach, I’m ready as I’ll ever be.
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In case you’re not on the intimi in case of emergencies shortlist, be happy and here’s the poop:
Got back from Newcastle only to find my decorative seed collection in its decorative dessicated fruit skin bowls scattered all over the floor. I thought that maybe my homomouse had thrown a party while the cat was away but then I started finding bird poop. Cleaning up the trail I tried to think about it in a positive light. Maybe it’s good luck, like when a bird poops on your shoulder OUTSIDE…
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Poop on a teapot.
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Poop on a cd case.
It’s perplexing though, cuz unless you’ve got an opposable thumb and are really into roughage, mine is not a friendly home. I keep all foodstuffs in glass or in the fridge ‘cepting the fruit on the windowsill (untouched), the big sacks of buckwheat that I call pillows (touched), and the purely sculptural moss and weed ikebana (thanks Mom for teaching me ikebana and bedankt friendly farm in friesland). I think it’s fair to assume that the cause of death was the result of what happens when an abundance of roughage meets a bad case of the munchies.
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Celebrating Autumn with marijuana ikebana
So last night, when I peered into the cabinet and found a big, huge pile of poop and added that in my head to the other little poops that I had already cleaned up (x 7 carry the 2), I decided to call it a day and reapproach this task after a good night ’s sleep. Cut to this morning, coffee downed, suited up in protective gear, ready for the eventuality of finding living and/or dead varmints in hiding, I started to cleanse. While wondering what the ancestors would have to say about re-kashering a house invaded and pooed upon by an urban bird (they resemble dragons) I was moving the jars around to get some leverage, when I saw the dead bird IN MY CABINET. A LITTLE BIRD DIED IN MY CABINET.
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YAKKIS
means
YUCKY
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Jewish smetvrees (contamination phobia) dictates that dirty things make other things dirty just by proximity.
What’s puzzling is that although I’m responsible for the deaths of many animals occupying various places on the food chain, the presence of a small, dead animal that I didn’t even kill, makes my toes curl. I was in all states this morning, produced several high-pitched squeals, threw my gloves down and ran to the opposite end of the house to phone people. What’s all that about?
Anywhoozelbees, it’s all cleaned up now and adults are once again welcome.
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debra at 21:01 | | post to del.icio.us
Am I welcome?
Comment by Ancestor — November 24, 2006 @ 21:24
Are you an adult?
Comment by Debra van Culiblog — November 24, 2006 @ 21:25